Rumplestiltskin - What the heck part 3

So, we've come to the final part of our modern review of an old fairy tale - Rumplestiltskin. For sure everyone knows the real Rumplestiltskin story, and I'm trying to vie this against the new modern take:

Even a fairy-tale imp knows how to work a camera-pose...

Read the two previous entries first if you want to make sense of what's going on here:

Part 1  - explores the beginning of the Rumplestiltskin tale; here we meet the daft miller, the even dafter king and the zero-talent maiden
Part 2  - the plot sickens, erm, thickens, and we discover why this fairy-tale is named after the only guy who makes sense in this tale...

All righty then. The second night's events gave happiness to the king when he woke on the third day, as he undoubtedly was joyful when he saw the even bigger room full of gold and not straws.

The king was greatly delighted to see all this glittering treasure; 

but still he had not enough: so he took the miller's daughter to a yet larger heap, 

and said, 'All this must be spun tonight; and if it is, you shall be my queen.'

What a romantic proposal, eh? After two nights of threatening the maiden to part with her head, he now offers to "put a ring on it". Great.  Now parents, this is where you tell your kids, specially daughters, NOT to marry any king that proposes to them. Specially if that king has a Henry-VIII syndrome.  This is obviously not going to be your usual princess-meets-prince-charming tale.

But alas, the maiden would marry this king - shows you the level of IQ this soon-to-be queen has.

When the girl was alone the manikin came again for the third time, and said, 

"What will you give me if I spin the straw for you this time also?"

"I have nothing left that I could give," answered the girl.

     "Then promise me, if you should become queen, to give me your first child."

     Who knows whether that will ever happen, thought the miller's daughter, and, not knowing how else to help herself in this strait, she promised the manikin what he wanted, and for that he once more spun the straw into gold.

And when the king came in the morning, and found all as he had wished, he took her in marriage, and the pretty miller's daughter became a queen.

Rumplestiltskin had his eyes on something more than gold: the first child. You would notice he didn't ask for all her soon-to-be children, no, just one. He didn't ask for her first daughter, no, just the first child - whatever it turns out to be. As the story progressed, a year later, the queen had her first child - and the time of reckoning came.

But suddenly he came into her room, and said, "Now give me what you promised."

     The queen was horror-struck, and offered the manikin all the riches of the kingdom if he would leave her the child. But the manikin said, "No, something alive is dearer to me than all the treasures in the world."

     Then the queen began to lament and cry, so that the manikin pitied her.

     "I will give you three days, time," said he, "if by that time you find out my name, then shall you keep your child."

See here? Rumplestiltskin for sure is the only character, amongst these bunch of clowns, with actual talent, spot-on sense, and business acumen. Hey, he even gets his values right: he says to the queen, "No, something alive is dearer to me than all the treasures in the world..." Awww. And to think the queen bribed him! Again, this queen hasn't advanced at all in the IQ department! Why would you give treasures to someone who can spring straw into gold?  (In fact, it was Rumplestiltskin's gold that probably made the kingdom rich...)

But our hero (let me now call him OUR hero - as he's the one I'm rooting for right about now...), with his compassion (see here, he's the one that holds the moral of this story), gave the queen 3 days to guess his name.  So, for two whole days the queen was in distress, asking everyone in the kingdom for a name: anything from the usual and common (Caspar, James, etc) to the downright unconventional (Shortribs, Sheepshanks, etc). And every night Rumplestiltskin comes and lets her guess. I wish this story ended then, as I'm sure Rumplestiltskin would make a great adopted father - he would teach this new daughter of his how to spin gold, give her all she wants, make her magical, laugh by the fireplace around tales of foolish people in the kingdom..... In fact, that would make a great movie!

But alas, I know how this story actually ends...

A certain messenger by chance happened to walk by the forest where Rumplestilskin lives. He overhears him sing by the fire and chants his name. Whereupon this messenger reports to the queen.  When our hero comes back to the queen...

You may imagine how glad the queen was when she heard the name. 

And when soon afterwards the little man came in, and asked, 

"Now, mistress queen, what is my name?"

 At first she said, "Is your name Conrad?"

"No."

"Is your name Harry?"

"No."

"Perhaps your name is Rumpelstiltskin?"

     "The devil has told you that! The devil has told you that," cried the little man, 

and in his anger he plunged his right foot so deep into the earth that his whole leg went in, 

and then in rage he pulled at his left leg so hard with both hands that he tore himself in two.

The irritating queen even had the guts to be a bit coy about it! Imagine, after 2 days of stress and on he third day a piece of luck, she gets her confidence back. She teases... "Is your name Conrad?" Eurgh! What a character! "Is your name Harry?"  How utterly annoying like one of those ladies in Good Christian B***.

And so this tragic fairy tale ends: the queen lives happily ever after.

Oh the tragedy of it all...

But wait... 

I can still change this story. Let me give you what I believe happened AFTER! This is the beginning of the sequel...

Now it so happens that the King, one day after playing

royal squash with his royal mates, suddenly realised something:

The kingdom's gold reserves is dwindling.

And so he approaches her queen and asks her:

"My dearest, why is it that you don't spin straw into gold anymore?"

He added, "... would you want me to lock you up

in a room full of straws again and threaten you

of beheading?"

The queen chuckled a bit. Though she wasn't quite sure if that was a joke.

The king, however, was so sure that he wasn't at all joking...

So the queen, after a two-second thought, decided to tell

the king the whole story of the little green imp that helped her.

"But I outsmarted him, you see... and we get to keep our daughter"

"Wait a minute!" cried the king.

"You mean to tell me... that I actually married a stupid miller's daughter?"

"...and wait another minute," said the king after some deep thought...

"So this guy....", said the king with his brows in deep frown,

"...you spent three nights ALONE with him in that room

(him paying you for your 'services' with gold...)

... and after a YEAR he asks for the BABY???

Do you honestly expect me to believe that all that ever happened

in that room is spinning straw into gold?

Is that what young folks call "it" now - spinning straw into gold or

is it really "rolling in the hay"?

Is that why our daughter's eyes are green and not blue like mine....?"

.... and in the background the sound of the 

guillotine's axe getting sharpened can be heard...

Beat that, brothers Grimm! Now I can sleep easy tonight knowing that justice has been done. The End.